FRIENDSHIP

Tend and Befriend

"A landmark UCLA study suggests friendships between women are special. They shape who we  are and who we are yet to be. They soothe our tumultuous inner world, fill the emotional gaps in our marriage, and help us remember who we really are. By the way, they may do even more."

Friendship makes our lives manageable, fulfilling, and spiritually and emotionally healthy, which means we are better able to cope with the stresses and challenges society hands to us daily. Our children, grandchildren and students, the kids in our world neighborhood, need us to function well in order to provide them with even their basic needs. As we age, friendship enriches our lives in countless and immeasurable ways. 

I first read the study, "Tend and Befriend," after completing a Master's Thesis, "The Role of Creative Expression in Women's Rediscovery of Identity After Loss" (Pacific Oaks College, 2002).  I interviewed and studied women whose recovery included active engagement with writing, the arts, music, photography and other creative endeavors. They experienced physical and emotional changes that promoted healing and growth. What I also found in my research, however, was reinforced by the UCLA study: during the initial stages of loss or grieving, before picking up a pen, camera or brush, the women felt supported and began healing through their relationships with friends and family. We need each other. 

The UCLA Study on Friendship Among Women, (2002) describes an alternative to fight or flight that has been long attributed to both men and women's reaction to stress. Women have another response, "Tend and Befriend," releasing the hormone oxytocin, when they gather together, helping and sharing, through friendship. 

Researchers in this study suggested that men do not feel this calming response, because their levels of testosterone reduce the effects of oxytocin. I think most of us agree that friendship makes our lives better and nourishes on both the receiving and giving sides. You may recognize this hormone as the one released during childbirth, nursing and tending our young. 

Years ago, during an educational workshop, a wise woman reminded the overworked and tired audience of teachers, women and men,  that we all need friends, as well as work, in order to fly with both wings and not limp along on one. Yes, we needed to hear such elemental wisdom.  While some of the research above is based on women's studies, friendship, of course, is not gender specific. Everyone benefits from kindness and friendship.   

You can check out the links below for two more studies on oxytocin: 

American Psychological Association report on "Tend and Befriend" (2008) on the APA website, "The two faces of oxytocin…"

"The Biology Behind the Milk of Human Kindness,"   a New York Times article (2009) continues the discussion, reporting that the brain's supply of oxytocin in both women and men, plays a part in the development and feelings of kindness, trust, empathy and compassion. 

Stay tuned for the next post on Friendship and the Broken Ankle Update! Here's a peek at my newest fashion statement.   See you next time.

New boot: out with the purple, in with the red. 

ACTS OF KINDNESS

When we feel love and kindness toward others, it not only makes others feel loved and cared for, but it helps us also to develop inner happiness and peace.                     ~ The 14th Dalai Lama (1935)

RANDOM ACTS OF KINDNESS WEEK  February 10-16!

It's no coincidence VALENTINE'S DAY shares the stage with the ACTS OF KINDNESS observance. Love and compassion are expressed through acts of kindness, but the Random Acts of Kindness Foundation  reminds us to be kind every day. Teachers take advantage of the traditional holiday to encourage love, friendship and kindness. We know that kindness and compassion can be taught through modeling, example, and even formal and informal lessons.

But what about Acts of Kindness that are not random? Last week I wrote about the amazing people in my life who demonstrate kindness through their everyday actions, who have stepped up to help me heal from a fractured ankle. Almost everything I do daily, on my own two feet, has become a challenge that I am able to meet because of their generosity. I think I'm being showered with Valentines every day! I'll be so grateful when I can walk on both feet and "pay it forward."

KINDNESS AND SOCIAL CHANGE

We recognize the kindness of individuals. Now, consider the context of this quote, attributed to Margaret Mead: 

Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed it's the only thing that ever has.

I belong to CEASE, a network of early childhood professionals, advocates and activists, parents, teachers and other individuals.  CEASE's Statement of Purpose illustrates how they take action by seeking to remove the root causes of violence in our society by advocating for peace, justice, economic opportunity and sustainability. This group demonstrates KINDNESS and makes a difference to children and families. When I write "demonstrate" I mean to live what they believe, through all the different ways people work, in their professions and volunteer life, activism, advocacy, writing, art for social change, their example.  Isn't this kindness, to care about the world's children through action? Random Acts of Kindness Foundation gives kudos to activists who "walk the talk" like CEASE members do daily, locally and globally. 

Check out the CEASE website and links that tell the story of this dedicated group of people.  Then check out the links on the sidebar, to learn about other groups that Make a Difference. 

See you next time with more on teaching and learning KINDNESS, plus the kindness-spirituality connection. Thanks for visiting and thinking BEYOND BORDERS.